What I DON’T Want for Christmas

It’s still not too late, the catalogs tell us, to find and order the perfect gift. One that will most assuredly arrive in time for Christmas. So I dared not toss the huge stack of catalogs that have been arriving in my mailbox since before Halloween without flipping through them one last time. While I did, I made a list of some of the things I hope I won’t get for Christmas. Among them:

• a two-stories-tall inflatable reindeer
• a motion-activated sneezing tissue box cover
• a dashboard bobblehead of Ronald Reagan
• prune rolls
• a “Honey Badger Don’t Care” t-shirt
• a wreath made of shotgun shells
• a nun cookie jar
• Jungle Gardenia spray perfume
• a pillow shaped like an ice cream sandwich
• Grizzly bear paw slippers
• Japanese-style penguin tea pot and mugs
• donkey’s milk soap, said to have been used by Cleopatra
• a Dachshund silicone ice cube tray (which yields nine wiener-shaped cubes)
• genuine angora bed socks
• fried egg earrings
• “The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm”
• magnetized dog and fire hydrant salt and pepper shakers
• a wristwatch with the numbers opposite of where they’re supposed to be
• peace sign string lights
• a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush
• to go along with that singing toothbrush, some bacon-flavored toothpaste
• a tabletop cotton candy maker
• a matching pair of sculpted horse head candles
• a Star Trek mouse pad
• a remote controlled tarantula
• a “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” porcelain musical egg
• a set of “redneck” wineglasses (aka Mason jars on stems)
• even worse, a red Solo cup on a stem
• a mechanical gondolier who sings Italian songs as his motorized lighted gondola makes its way across a swimming pool
• a doorstop that looks like a melting ice cream cone
• a 14-carat gold plated cat cameo pendant
• a marshmallow shooter
• a set of five Cloisonne ink pens

If you know anybody who got me any of those things for Christmas, tell them to send them back. Please. Because there’s only one catalog item I really, really want this year–a “Big Rig” alarm clock. The engine revs, the horn honks, the headlights flash, and a trucker’s voice shouts “It’s Time to Get Up!”
Are you listening, Santa?

(December 16, 2012.)

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